Magic!

I like this so much, I'm submitting it to The Onion.



Last April the Federal Reserve Board of Governors met behind closed doors and discussed printing even more money to finance Treasury and mortgage-backed security purchases. The Fed has already committed to $1,100,000,000,000 ($1.1 trillion) this year.





It's all part of Ben Bernanke's secret foolproof formula to raise GDP. First, the Fed prints money and deposits it with the Treasury. The Treasury then spends it as part of Obama's stimulating economic recovery plan. Since government spending counts as GDP, "We can theoretically raise GDP as much as we want," said a Fed official quoted on condition of anonymity.





Ben Bernanke is rumored to be discussing just how much stimulus the American people are prepared to accept with the Obama administration. "We would love to dial in 5% growth throughout the remainder of President Obama's term. However, we need to balance that with what the people are prepared to believe," said a senior White House staffer.





Believe it or not, Bernanke's breakthrough represents a what may be a new era in economic prosperity for the United States, and possibly the world. In an unusually candid moment, Bernanke admitted that the idea came to him while gardening at home. "I saw these new, green blades of grass coming up out of the ground and said to myself, 'those are the green shoots that will get the economy going again.' "



Herbert Von Slivovitz, a popular economics blogger, however, is skeptical. "There's no such thing as a free lunch. Just because I'm an Austrian economist doesn't mean I wear a tin-foil hat. Bernanke can print all he wants, but money isn't going to start growing on trees."

Jim Cramer, however, applauded Bernanke's efforts. "Boo-yah! Waah-hooo! (waves arms energetically) Woooo-Ha! Buy something!"

In other news, the stock market was down for no reason at all.